I LOVE YOU, BUT I LOVE ME MORE

Relationships are tough. You find Mr. Right, but there is that one thing that's off about him or you find the man you think is the love of your life, but can you really see yourself bringing him home to mom and dad?

Thrown with a battlefield of what's right and wrong, yes and no's and is the guy really worth it, you question what next moves you should make in your romantic life. Can't you just be thrown a wild card?
Sitting down with three girlfriends tonight -- each one of us different, each one of us with unique romantic paths -- I found we each had something very similar in our love expectations. No matter how much we may love a past boyfriend, we ultimately love ourselves more, and if our own personal goals, dreams and aspirations were to be effected by a man, that man, would have to go.
It made me wonder -- what makes woman so eager to give up their dreams for love? I have friends who have thrown away job offers, full ride scholarships to universities and their self respect, all for men. And hey, I've done it too. I let my first boyfriend physically abuse me, I missed out on a great career opportunity, and at one point put my relationship with my parents in jeopardy because they didn't get along with one of my ex's.
But at some point, something clicked in my mind saying, "That person is not you. What do YOU want?"
And what I found is that I want a healthy relationship full of laughter, security, trust and understanding. I want that balance of time spent between friends and boyfriends.
I want a career; To follow my dreams and for whomever I'm with to support and encourage me.

I want to do what I want to do.

Selfish, I know, but I only have one life to live. Every decision I make I want to look back with no regrets, knowing I've done what I've done because that's what was best for me at the time.

No matter how much I might love a man, I NEED to love myself more.

In my past relationships I didn't always like the person I had become, now I realize, how did I expect someone to love me, if I didn't love myself?
As I looked around the table last night at my friends, sipping on their cocktails and laughing about the past, I saw a group of woman who not only had learned to love themselves, but were open to love, as well.
And we, couldn't be happier.
Cheers to that! 

LOVE WILL MAKE YOU DO CRAZY THINGS

I see mothers hustling and bustling around New York City. They carry heavy strollers down subway steps, run after an energetic two year old on a crowded street, and play in concrete playgrounds with barbed wire fencing around them.

 

And after all this I have to wonder...will I ever be able to raise a family here?
Other then the fact it seems like a total nightmare, it can't be cheap raising a little one in the big apple. 

Thousands of young girls right out of college move to New York to follow their dreams, have the time of their lives and to hopefully fall in love. But how dangerous can falling in love be for a girl new to a big ol city, with the potential of finding "the one" and ultimately raising a family? I see it constantly -- young mothers schlepping their kids around, the chaotic stress they exuberate and the look in their eyes, pleading to anyone they lock gazes with, screaming "help me", is like seeing into a looking glass of the future.

I fell in love with a born and raised manhattan boy. Whose parents were both born and raised, and both sets of their parents were born and raised. So, guess where my man wants to have his kids ? That's right, in Manhattan so they can be born and raised.

Although marriage and a family might be a few years away for me, after over two years in a happy relationship, a girl can't help but have thoughts. And as a girl who grew up living ten minutes from the beach, with a jungle in her backyard, I can't help but hope for something similar for my kids one day or at least a backyard and a white picket fence!

Alas, as I fall more in love with Mr. Manhattan, I can't help but bring up sweetly "You know, there are lovely places outside the city with only a 20 minute commute!"

But today, when I witnessed a man hurry past a woman with her two little kids, pushing all three of them into the street where a speeding taxi nearly just missed them, I thought, can I really do this? 

As a frantically pulled out my cell phone and started typing to my boyfriend "I'll take Brooklyn, Queens, hell even the Bronx!" I hit the backspace button, took a deep breath and kept walking.
They always say love will make you do crazy things you never deemed possible -- whoever "they" are.

WARNING! YOU MIGHT GET SICK...

We've all had those nights when we got too drunk and threw up in the bars bathroom
... it happens! But, what should we do when adding a sexy guy to the equation? Do we go through with hooking up with him or does are conscience stop us?

A girl in my office told me she had this dilemma a few nights ago. Her in the guy went back to his place and she wasn't sure if she should go through with staying over knowing she had gotten sick.
After a few laughs and shared stories about how many times a similar thing had happened to me or someone I had known, I got to thinking -- how many other girls have struggled with a similar scenario?  

And here's what I decided is the safe answer. It all depends on the location that the dirty deed is done.  

@ the bar : Go for it!

@ home : No way. 

My reasoning? Bars are loud, crazy and filled with commotion. If you puke in a bar its easier to hide the evidence. Chances are if you are able to order another drink, socialize, dance and pretend like nothing happened ... you'll probably be fine for the time being. Pop a mint and don't let your little uh oh ruin your fun night. Hey -- you didn't wear those cute CFM pumps for nothing!

But, if you spill the beans once back at you apartment (or worse his) its better to call it quits for the night. With the dark lights, loud music and people gone, the mood at home is totally awkward if you get sick. And in the case that your in a white bathroom with bright lights, feeling the pressure to get back to the bedroom where a guy awaits you (who probably just heard you yak your brains out), the situation becomes all too real and even more nauseating.
Plus, your bad breath is definitely not sexy. 

Verdict says: call a cab!

WHEN DID ONLINE DATING BECOME FUN?

“It’s called Tinder,” my friend gushed to me over dinner last Tuesday evening. “It’s this new dating game.” 

 I was curious why my girlfriend would be on a dating site since she was currently in a 2 year relationship, but she claimed it was more of something she did for entertainment when bored. “You have to try it out! I’m addicted,” she giggled.

Tinder puts a whole new spin on the dating game. It eliminates the nuisance of having to browse through peoples lengthy bios, and saves you from being bombarded with unwanted email or messages. So, what’s the catch? It’s based solely off of looks! And conveniently it’s an application you can access only on your phone.

Have you ever seen the movie, The Social Network? 

Do you remember how Mark Zuckerberg’s character came up with the idea of Facemash, by comparing two girls side by side and clicking hot or not? 

Well this is basically the concept of Tinder -- minus comparing two different people! Users pick a sexual preference, create a profile, and start playing!

Tinder works strictly through Facebook:

When making your profile it automatically pulls your four most recent profile pictures (you can switch around what profile pictures you want to use if you like), how old you are, and what it says in your about me.

To play it locates local male or females in near distance to you,

and flashes their picture across the screen, where you can pick if you like what you see by clicking on a green heart or if you don’t by clicking on a red x. Then it moves on to the next picture. 

 If you are on the fence on whether someone is cute or not, click on that persons picture to view their 3 other pics, and if you have any mutual Facebook friends and shared interest. 

The nice part? The guy will never find out if you gave him the boot and visa versa. 

The only way he'll know if you said yes is if he said yes to you!

 (Don’t forget -- your face is popping up on guys screens too!) 

And if you did both say yes -- it’s a match! The screen will notify you and ask you if you would like to send a message to that person or keep playing. 

I (of course) immediately downloaded the app to see what all the fuss was about and instantly was just as obsessed as my friend. Aside from the fact that it's just plain fun to look at pics of local guys in the area, it was fun to see who thought I was "hot" as well. 

Being in a relationship myself, I didn't message any of the guys, but the messages I received were hilarious! My favorites include: 

"What's your favorite muppet?" 

"Do you love bacon, because if you don't, don't bother replying." 

And my favorite ... 

"Are you really on tinder at 8pm on a Friday. Wow... Your life must suck!" 

And when I didn't respond the next day he sent : 

"So, how about drinks tonight in the village cutie ?" 

....Um... YEAH RIGHT !

Here's some funny Tinder message attempts I found online: 

How these guys think they can get girls with these awful pick up lines -- I have no idea?! 

But, no fear for the single ladies who really were hoping Tinder would work. 

I happened to get a match with a totally sexy buff 26-year-old who recently graduated from law school. His pictures were perfect -- clean cut (one even had him in a business suit) and none included him with his arms around other girls. We shared intrest of reading, and the TV show 24, and yes he messaged me with a normal "Hey! How are you doing this morning?" 

Sigh...

Alas, I am trying to remain a good girl -- scared that my man would question why I had an account or frightened that one of his friends would come across my profile. So I put my Tinder days to a close.  

Regardless though, I recommend to at least give Tinder a try (single or not) to play for bored laughable fun or in hopes of finally finding love.

MARRIAGE?

After having a talk with my best friend the other night, he brought up how a mutual friend of ours and her new boyfriend were ready to take their relationship to the next level and will probably be engaged within the year. When I commented on how soon young people, in their twentys, seemed to be getting married today, and how ridiculous it seemed, he questioned why my current boyfriend and I hadn't made any sudden moves to tie the knot.

Yes, although all the signs are there (we've been together for two years, my bf's 27 years old, and we basically live together) I explained we are just not ready to take that step! I'm not at a place in my life where I feel the need to rush into something that might not be right for his life or mine, and it has nothing to do with the amount of love we have for each other, or how serious of a relationship we share.

True, life is short. But it's not that short!  So why rush? Contrary to how many young people I see rushing into marriage recently, here are some resons why I don't feel pressured to, and why you might not feel the need to either.

1. Young and In Love

What bothers me the most about young couples rushing into marriage so soon is they loose the concept of youth and what it feels like to be able to fully enjoy their relationship. With marriage comes respnsiblities, money, children, commitment, and routine. You have the greater percentage of your lifetime to worry about thoose things. Now should be about expierencing new things, getting excited about seeing each other, and having fun! With marriage comes a loss of these things, especially after the first two years, so it's important to hold onto your youth and freedom while you can. Years from now you will be missing it. There is something about the saying YOLO. You only live once, so make sure to fully live!

2. Carrer

I was once told that a point comes in your life where you have to choose between three things, but can only have two of them. Those three things are: your friends, your love life, and your career. Being able to have a firm grasp on all these things at the same time is difficult, since they all can be like having full time jobs. No matter how much in love you are part of living your life to the fullest is focusing, first and foremost, on yourself. This factor especially comes into play when thinking about your career. Make sure you and your partner establish your career or career goals before tieing the knot. That way you will never have an excuse of something that held you back, and have something that you can be proud of that's your own accomplishment.

 3. Income/ Family

Here is where the responsibilities, and advantage of having a set career come into play. Marriage means two people joining their lives together, sharing bills together, having a family together, and putting payments on things, all of which is A LOT to think about. Why people who have barley been able to support themselves would want to take on these responsibilities too soon, is beyond me? Of course I want a family one day, but I want thoose things when I'm financially confident so I cannot only be able to give my kids a good life, but live a life financially better then I was raised. And that is the American dream, to always do and be better. True, you can marry without a dime in your pocket and still be happy, but I think there is something in just giving yourself the oppertunity to try to progress and be successful.

4. Moving in Together

Any body who is married will tell you that it is 100% important to live with your significant other before you walk down the asile. You find out a lot about the person you thought you knew so well. Don't be scared, though! In most cases it's things you want to know, so that when the time does come, you'll be prepared of the weird ritual he does in the morning before he leaves for work. Moving in is probably one of the final steps to take before marriage. So, when is it right to make that move? I've always had the dream of moving into an apartment with my three best friends, but I am at that point in my relationship where it probably makes sense for my boyfriend and I to live together. So, what should I do? Get the damn apartment with my friends! If it's something you have always wanted to do, do it for a year, and then move in with your partner. This is where you have to be patient and not worry about the future or rushing into things. If your meant to be with your signifigant other, you will have the rest of your lives to live under the same roof, but not the rest of your life to be able to come home every night and watch your favorite show with your BFF or throw that awesome theme party you always dreamed of having.

5. Divorce

In the past year the divorce rate has gone up exceddingly, and it's highest at ages between 20 and 27. It's no surprise to hear someone is getting a divorce, and in fact, hearing so has become as common as getting married. No one ultimitly wants to get divorced, and the statistics prove that many divorces happen because people marry too soon and too young. When I walk down the aisle I want to be 150% sure that this is the man I am spending the rest of my life with. Your twenties are all about growing up and finding your self. A few years from now, who you are and what you need and want in life might totally be altered from the way you live your life now. Think about it this way, are you the same person you were 5 years ago? 3 years ago? Probably not for either, and thats most likely the same for your partner. You could ultimately be marrying the wrong "mr. right."  If that means waiting 5 more years, then wait 5 more years, but at least you'll know for sure.

I know this is a lot of information to handle, and you probably don't agree with everything I'm saying, but I believe with a lot of young woman who are struggling with this concept, it's a good place to start to form your own opinion and ideas on young couples rushing into something they might not be ready for.

A side note that I want to mention is to not get scared to think or discuss marriage with your boyfriend/ girlfriend, because when that time comes, you want to make sure you ultimitly will want the same things in life, such as a family, pets, what religion you want in the household, and where you want to live. These are topics that could make it or break it, and you don't want to be wasting your time in a relationship that could potential progress into something more if you don't want the same things as that person.
 I also believe its important to make sure that person does see a future with you.

 If you see yourself being with that person down the line, and know you want to wait, you don't want to wait for years to only realize they never saw you in the picture. It's okay to ask, and want answers, and if that person can't give them to you after a few years of being together, maybe they aren't the one for you after all.

EPIC LOVE

The bible, or as the rest of the world calls it, Cosmo, recently wrote an article on 'epic love'. Being the love junkie that I am,  I was so intrigued by the article that it inspired me to write my own take on it.

Epic love. Heart stopping, gut-wrenching, all consuming epic love is so hard to find, and once you find it, who's to say you will ever have an intense attraction to someone like that again in your lifetime? To people who have experienced it before, no one can ever make you feel the way that person did. It's an indescribable feeling of passion, the attraction is undeniable, and the sex is usually earth shattering, taking you places you've never been before.

When you hear that persons name you go weak in the knees, and you find yourself doing anything just to get the opportunity to wrap your arms around them or at the least see them. The relationship is so powerful and untouchable at times, that it often ends up shattering into a million pieces, that no matter how hard you try, the pieces will never fit back together perfectly. As stated in Cosmopolitan Magazine, when both parties are perfectly matched, neither partner gives in easily- so when epic lovers butt heads, it can lead to epic destructive arguments.

Sarah*, a close friend of mine, had an epic love that she hasn't been able to overcome for over 7 years. She now finds herself in a serious relationship with a man whom she believes is the one, yet the epic love she once had with her ex Jeff* still lingers in her life, and heart-wrenchingly, in her bed. "I will always love Jeff, but we can never be together again for a number of reasons that you probably don't want to hear about," Sarah confides to me. "He's one of my best friends, but we can't even be in the same room together without wanting to rip off each other's clothing. And now that I'm in a relationship with an incredible guy I truly care for, I feel like a monster, because Jeff has somehow snaked his way back into my life. As much as I don't want him around anymore, I can't say no. I just can't say no to him." 

So, can one truly be blamed for cheating if it's with an epic love? I believe that epic love is something that at times can't be stopped. Sarah has physically cut of all communication with Jeff, in order to save her current relationship. "He'll text me and I won't respond. Then a few weeks later he'll send me some sentimental bs, and even though I know he's full of it, I sometimes can't help but write back. It's like I can't think straight around him!"

Sarah claims that she hasn't spoken to Jeff in months, but how long can she remain strong? Cheating is an awful act to commit, and you might question how anyone could cheat on someone they truly love?
 But if someone, like Sarah, is cheating with an ex, it becomes more excusable in their mind. They don't see it as being awful because not only have they slept with the person before, they slept with them before they even met their current partner. Technically this does not make their actions excusable, but if the cheater realizes what they are doing is wrong and take steps to stop anything from progressing, I believe that it's possible to let one error of judgment go. 

My epic love story is kind of like a modern day Romeo and Juliet, minus anyone dying. Bill* and I come from two different worlds completely, so much so that we could never pursue any type of future together. However, by the time we realized this, it was too late. We were hooked, and have found a way to remain in each other's lives on and off for years. When we were together the connection was electric.

He knows how to pleasure me in ways that I'm afraid no man will ever be able to again. Both of us share the sign of scorpio and our relationship was spicy, intense, and dramatic. When I am with Bill he makes me feel like I'm the most beautiful woman on earth. He understands not only my body perfectly, but my mind. If I was in a bad mood, all he had to do was open his mouth, start talking, and it was like I had just turned on an episode of SNL. Half the time I had no idea what he was saying, but once he got me to start smiling, I couldn't stop.

Yes, Bill was everything I needed physically and at times, emotionally, but mentally and realistically, in every way wrong for me.

The truth is, being with Bill was so painful at times that the agony was too immense to handle. I think that was because our relationship was so extreme in some aspects, that it was too difficult to get the rest of the relationship to match up. And so he got scared, and I got scared. And after much convincing from my family and friends that he was nothing but trouble for me, I finally had to be true to myself and admit that they were absolutely right. I am at my best when I'm not with Bill, and I am afraid that our epic love was so epic that we forgot to state the obvious.

After recently meeting with Bill to catch up, I let the big fat elephant in the room finally come to attention. I admitted how much I really had loved him and how painful it was that in the course of our relationship we'd never said the words to each other. Hearing him say the words I had known all along, that he did love me and always will, was the closure I needed to finally put my love with him to an end.

Epic love is scary, exciting, everlasting, and impossible at the same time.

When I look at girls who have felt like Sarah and I, and who desperately need to close that chapter in their lives, it makes me wonder if what we're feeling is still as fierce as we believe it to be. When you associate one feeling with a person for so long it tends to stick with them so that you can't associate any other feeling with them. And, because you are used to feeling that one emotion for them, it's hard to realize when it's gone and when nothing is left but a distant warn out memory of times gone by.

I will always keep my epic love in a place in my heat, but instead of living in the past, I'm more excited for the future with someone who I know can complete and balance me perfectly.

*Names have been changed